dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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