I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
