Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
