Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
