it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
