I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
