Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
