dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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