I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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