i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
