I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Randomize
