So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
