Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
