So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
