Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
