I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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