I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
