He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
