Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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