You're so nebulous sometimes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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