don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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