You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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