So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
