I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
