guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
