He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
