how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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