I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
