Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
