Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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