Christians are straight up FREAKS
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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