stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
