That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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