I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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