yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
