1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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