My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
