I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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