Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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