i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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