my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think my vagina is haunted
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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