I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
