I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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