I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
