i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
All the doctor said was why
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
