he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
