yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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