I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
