weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
