His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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