I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Randomize
