so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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