i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
