someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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