A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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