Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
