How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
