the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
